My Biggest Regret

We only regret the chances we didn't take.

If there's one regret in my life it was something that I didn't do. I had the chance and I didn't take it. Last night I was thinking what I was going to write about this subject and I can't think of any. As I have read on twitter, "if you are living with regrets, you are living in the past." And as much as possible I don't want to live with any regrets. 

But while I was thinking last night one thing came to my mind. This wass something that happened over a year ago. Something I wish I could have done.

Last April 27, 2013  together with my friend we met at the mall because supposedly we're going to get our TIN numbers. Unfortunately we weren't able to get (with the reason I can't remember). So we just ate our lunch while catching up and then we went home after. That night after we had our dinner while I was sitting and browsing through my iPod my father sat beside me and asked me where I went that day. I answered him with pure irritation. A few minutes after that, he asked me again the same question. So, I then answered him again inappropriately with an annoyed tone. He's saying something but I didn't pay attention and I was still overly focused on my iPod. He already left after not getting a proper response from me.

Early morning of the following day, I woke up with the voice of my mother panicking and asking what's going on with my father— why he looked that way. He was unable to speak and he can barely walk. One part of his body was paralyzed. With the help of my brother and my cousin, they walked him through the car and brought him to the hospital. He had a stroke. He was hospitalized for one week. He wasn't able to utter even a single word and he wasn't able to even sit on his own.

He got home after one week of hospitalization, his half body was still paralyzed. He did some therapy but it didn't help a lot so it stopped. Days passed and he's still in the same condition. Unable to talk and unable to walk. It came to a point where he didn't want to eat anymore and he only drink milk. And then he became so weak.

One night, when he's about to drink his milk, my mom woke him up but he's not opening his eyes. I was about to sleep that time. But then I get up then I saw my mother doing her best just to wake him up and made him open his eyes while my sister was sprinkling him some lukewarm water. Fortunately, the car of my cousin was just around  that's why they easily got him to the hospital.

He was again hospitalized. He was brought to the Intensive Care Unite that night. The morning after that, my sister went home and told me that my father was in the ICU. While we were eating because we're about to go to the hospital my mom called my sister and told her that we should go there as soon as we can, together with my brother.

A few minutes after we arrived at the hospital, the doctor came out of the room and told us the worst thing that we could ever hear. He told us that my father hasn't been responding. He used flashlight to check my father's eyes and supposedly someone who's been hit by a light should be moving his eyes as a way of responding. But my father didn't. A sign that he already gave up.

We really never saw that coming. It was too sudden.

Know what my biggest regret was? It's not talking to him in the most appropriate way a daughter should talk to her father. I didn't have any idea that, that was the last time that my father would ask me my whereabouts.

As the saying goes, "nasa huli talaga ang pagsisisi." Always. I know it was too late for me to realize those things. And no matter how much I want to go back to that night, I know I couldn't. I don't intend to go back to that night and change the way I talked to him just because I know he will be gone soon but I want to change that because he really doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. He deserved to be respected and I wasn't able to give it to him. 

It was a lesson learned the hard way. While we still have the chance let's be kind to our parents and let us give them the love and respect that they truly deserve. Their love for us are unconditional that's why we should also love them unconditionally. That's the very least we can do.

I wish I became a good daughter to him same way how good he was as a father to us. I wish I wasn't so stubborn to him while he was still alive. I wish I talked to him in a respectful way because he's the best father that any child would be so lucky to have so he didn't deserve to be treated unkindly. And no parent deserves to be treated with disrespect.

One thing that I will never forget while he was sick was that one morning when he saw me walking past him he motioned me to come near him. I did. He held my hand. I thought he just needed help to get up. He was motioning something but we couldn't understand. We thought he wanted to drink. He just held my hand for a couple of minutes. I had no idea that would be the last time I'm going to hold my father's hand. If I knew I should've held it longer than I did and said sorry to him the way I treated him.

I will never forget the time when I went home from my OJT in Manila and he just got home only a couple of days from his  work overseas. I only come home during weekends. He was at the gate of our house that time. He kissed my head and I can see how happy he was to see me again after a year or so. 

Eventually, I have learned that we really cannot change the past no matter how much we want to. All that's left for us is regret. All we can do is to just focus on what is happening right now and be a better person than we used to be.

That taught me not to take the people we love for granted because tomorrow is never promised.

If only I could go back......

If I could get another chance
Another walk another dance with him
I play a song that would never never end