xi

11 years have passed since the day that I thought the coming days will be as light as a cotton ball. Here I am now, laughing at the joke I cracked myself 11 years ago. 

11 years of a roller coaster ride. I've experienced the worst and the best days of my life, so far. Mostly worst. I've gained and I've lost. I laughed and I cried. I fell many times then I rose again. I was rejected numerous times. I've experienced the worst kind of pain that I've ever experienced to date. I fought many silent battles that no one knew about. Well, I'm still fighting every now and then.

I dreamt of big things only to realize they weren't so easy to reach. I looked highly at myself only to realize that I am not special. If any, I am just an ordinary person trying to fit in, trying to belong. Most importantly finding a place in this world. 

11 years of waiting. 11 years of dealing with uncertainties and just going where life is taking me. It's hard to wait for something that I'm not sure if it's gonna happen. Even so, I still wait hoping that my time will come. But I guess, 11 years is enough for me to realize that some things are really beyond my control. No matter how much I want things to work, if it's not meant to be it will never be. And some things are really not meant for me no matter how much I want it. 

11 years of wanting things to change. Waiting things to change for the better. But the older I get, the more I realize that things don't change the way I want them to. I have to change the way I see them. I have to change the way I think. I need to change my perspective on certain things. 

There are some things that I had to learn the hard way in the past 11 years. I've learned that patience is a key to make it through this life. I've learned to understand people and things that I'd always been so impatient with. I've learned that the universe has a funny of way of handing me the situations that I never want to be part of. That's why as much as possible I like whatever is being handed to me now. Cause the more I hate it, the more I get it. I've learned that avoiding something doesn't mean getting rid of it. Time will come that there won't be any other option but to deal with it. I've learned how to be kind to everyone. And when I say everyone, it include those who are not so easy to deal with—the rude ones, the unkind, the impolite and other kinds of people that are not so pleasant. 

I've come to realize that happiness isn't the goal of life. I can never be happy all the time. There will always be potholes along the way. Happiness is fleeting. It's a temporary emotion and I shouldn't settle for temporary. 

I've learned to see my worth not in the eyes of other people. Instead I have to see myself the way God sees me. I still have to master it, but I can say that I'm already on my way. I've learned that no matter how much effort I put into something, others would always see the task as mundane. I've learned not to expect appreciation from other people. As long as I'm doing good, then it's fine. 

I've learned that I shouldn't focus on things that don't add to to my growth. That if it won't make me rich, it doesn't deserve my energy and attention. I have already too much on my plate and I never want to add any more. We all face different issues in life. So, I should focus on my own. There's no use in minding other people's business. 

11 years of growth. 11 years of dealing with uncertainties. 11 years of being uncomfortable. 11 years of fighting. 11 years of trying to survive. 11 years of trying to be better. 11 years of wanting to make myself proud. 11 years of keeping my head above water even though all I want to do is get drowned. 11 years of not knowing where this life is taking me. 11 years of learnings about life. 11 years of wanting to get away. 

I am fighting so hard each day just to keep my sanity. I've never wanted peace in my life more than I want it now. I've come to realize that at the end of the day, peace of mind should be my ultimate goal.

Here's to 11 years and more. Keep the faith, self. 

au revoir. 😊