Life Lately‎

Hi. We're already on the third month of the year. I just want to ask how 2023 is going for you so far? Has it been nice?

Before the year began, I had my plans. Things that I hoped to achieve this year. As the year starts, I set another goal. I had a plan on pursuing one of my dreams. It's something I want to learn. I already enrolled in a class. Of course, at the beginning I was excited. The adrenaline was there. 

Then something came up. There w is going to be a change of plans. All of a sudden, I had to prioritize it. I had to set aside my other plans thinking that it's more important and that it's more certain. Well at least 50% chance. As I'm going through it, I have my doubts. I am questioning myself if it's really worth pursuing. If what I was doing was going to have a good outcome. At times I feel unmotivated, but I have to keep on going. Because who knows what's gonna happen? Maybe it will produce a good outcome. Or maybe I am just wasting my time. But uncertain as it may seem, I still have to do it. 

As I navigate through this year, I am beginning to lose hope again. Before this year started, I said I don't want it to be just like the past years. I hope to accomplish something this year that my future self would thank me for. And I don't know if I was going in the right direction with what I am doing. I badly want to get my life together. But every time I try, there's always a pull and something is dragging me so far away from the life that I want. It's as if telling me that I will be like this forever. That I don't deserve the good life that I want for myself.  At times I wonder if I wasn't deserving of good things in life. I question myself if I wasn't being a good person. 

Even so, I also have this tiny hope that things will change. That one day, things will be in my favor. I still hope that I am meant for greater things. That what I'm going through right now is part of the process. I have to experience and feel these things because it's preparing me for the life that I want to have. Somehow I can feel that I am meant for great things. It's just that I couldn't help but feel hopeless. Especially everytime I see my former classmates who are doing better than me. Or at least that's what I see on social media, so that's what I thought. I know I shouldn't compare my life to others. It's just that I couldn't help it. 

Waiting is tough when you feel like nothing is going well in your life anymore. When everything seems to be falling apart. When everything seems to be conspiring to disappoint you. The thing about waiting is that you have no idea what lies behind it.

The worst thing about waiting is that you have no idea whether it's the right thing to do. You're wondering if there's really something that you're waiting for. On the other hand, you're tormented with the thought that you should be doing something productive. That waiting is a waste of time. That if you really wanted something you should go and get it. But what if you really went for it, but the outcome wasn't what you expected. So you stopped trying again, and then you go back to waiting. And the cycle repeats. 

Maybe I just want instant gratification. I want to see the results of my actions immediately. I want to see if it's really worth the wait. 

With all the waiting, doubts and disappointments, the only thing that I'm certain is that I. HAVE. NO. IDEA. I just hope that one day everything that I'm going through right now will make sense. But for now, I need to be patient—with everything and with everyone. 

au revoir. 😊