Hashtag Unemployed

Someone asked me why I am unemployed. My initial reaction was, "Ouch." That has became my reaction every time someone ask me the same question. God knows how I hate to hear that question. I hate narrating the story about my failure. I hate going back to the time that I was in search for a job. I hate being reminded of my countless failed attempts.

I already lost count of how many times I attended a job interview- on site, virtually and via phone call, name it. I couldn't remember anymore how many "unfortunately, we couldn't push further with your application" emails I received. Not to mention the times that I believed when an interviewer told me they would call me. I waited for that call. God knows I waited for that call. Even if weeks had already passed, I still hoped. I was waiting for a call that never came. No one knows how small I felt every time I was being rejected, every time I received rejection emails. Even if I've been through it many times, I still felt heartbroken every time. I couldn't get used to being rejected.

To answer the question, "Why am I unemployed?" It's because I'd been rejected by different companies that I applied. Nobody dared to accept me in their team. Apparently, they wanted someone who has experience. But as a fresh graduate back then, how can I have an employment experience? And then I would see most of my former classmates getting hired, without any experience. I asked myself how they did it. How it seemed so easy for them to land a job? Why is it so hard for me? Why can't I get a job?

Not being able to get a job was definitely one of my biggest frustrations in life. Every time I think that I am unemployed, I easily get disappointed with myself. Every time I need to fill a form and I have to check the box beside the "unemployed," I feel so little. Me being unemployed makes me feel that I am not good enough. It makes me feel like a total failure.

Some people could judge so easily. It's easy to say that I want this kind of life without having any idea how I tried with all my might just to get a job. Sometimes I wonder if I gave up easily finding a job. Then I realized how many times I tried. After graduation until last year, I was in search for a job. I graduated 2012, by the way. It's easy to say that my life is a bed of roses cause I don't have to deal with a boss. That I don't have to wake up early to go to work. I am always at home. But that's not as easy as it seems. Being unemployed means having triple the uncertainty about the future. Added to it is the never ending feeling of being a failure. 

It's not easy being unemployed especially if you're not already at peace with the reality that you're unemployed. If you are still waiting for that job that may or may never come. If you are still waiting for that "call." But for what it's worth, I know this is how it's supposed to be. I am where I should be. This is all part of God's divine plan. Of course, there were times when I asked Him why. After all, it's not that easy to face the truth. But what else can I do than to entrust Him my future. I know that with all the uncertainty, He will help me make it through. He is my greatest provider.

au revoir. 😊