Changes In My Life

"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?" – C.S. Lewis 

Over the past 3 years, I realized that I changed. The pandemic had really made an impact in my life. I don't see things the way I did 3 years ago. Nowadays, I see life and people differently from how I look at them before. 

I realized that some people only care for themselves. Not all people are as genuine as they appear. There are those who say good things about you in front of your face, but those same people are also the ones who would say mean things about you to other people. It doesn't matter whether you're their relative or friends, just so they appear better than you or you look bad in their story. People are willing to drag someone down just to make themselves look good to others. They want to appear like they are the only ones who care. They could say bad things about you for their own benefit.

I used to prioritize other people's needs before my own. I used to to be a people pleaser, especially to my family. I want to show them that I can. That I'm already a grown-up and I can handle responsibilities. I had tried my best to show them that I am a responsible grown up. Then I came to a point that I realized I cannot please them. And that no matter how much I try or what I do, I cannot force them see my worth. They would always see me as a little kid who isn't capable of doing anything. They would always treat me like a figurine that is so fragile. I don't know whether it's a good or a bad thing. Like they're always walking on eggshells when I'm around, but behind my back they say mean things about me. Then I stop pleasing them. I stopped caring what they think because in the end whether I do good or bad, they would always have something to say. 

At the end of the day I want to be surrounded with people who will be honest with me and will be true not only in front me, but most especially when I'm not around. I want to be surrounded with people who wouldn't put words in my mouth and act like they know me too well. 

In the end, what I feel is more important. I have to put myself first before others. That is the part of me that changed in the past 3 years. I no longer want to put up with other people's issues especially if I'm not involved. I realized that my peace of mind should be my top priority. I am also not the same person years ago who would do anything just to feel wanted. I no longer want to force myself to feel like I belong. I already know what I'm capable of doing. And if others can't see it, it's fine. My worth isn't based on how they see me. As long as I'm doing the right thing then that is enough. I no longer wait for other people to appreciate me.

I used to be bothered about a lot of things before. Then I realized that I cannot stop something from happening. If it's bound to happen, it will happen whether I like it or not. Sometimes bad things happen. You cry. You wallow in sadness. You pity yourself. Then you get over it. You move on because you have to. If you don't, you will be the only one left feeling totally miserable. You have to see the silver lining in every bad things that happen in your life. You don't have to understand it right away, but you have to accept that things aren't the same as they were before. I can say that I don't overthink that much anymore. I still overthink, but I can proudly say that it has lessen. 😀

I no longer want to deal with things that only drain me— physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I only want what's best for me and my inner peace. I don't want to put up anymore with other people's drama. I want to focus on myself and my personal growth. At this point of my life, I only want to be silent. I've already talked too much in the past and I realized that people don't want to hear me. I learned to just observe in silence and watch how often people don't really match their words with their actions. 

au revoir. 😊