Sat With Ren: Am I Wrong?

Is it wrong to prioritize oneself? Is it wrong to pursue one's personal wants? Is it wrong to put oneself first?

It is said that love means sacrifice. You have to be willing to sacrifice just to show the people you love that you love them. You are willing to endure anything for the sake of your loved ones. But what if you're no longer happy with how things are going? What if respect is slowly fading away? Is it still worth sacrificing? Or is it better to walk away before things begin to worsen.

You go and search for a refuge, though you're not sure if it's the right thing to do. All of a sudden you think of leaving. You want to start your life anew and chase your dreams. You want to pursue your lifelong dreams that have been long overdue. But you're torn between sacrificing for the people that you love, and sacrificing in pursuit of your dreams. Somehow you know that staying is the proper choice regardless of how things might be going right now. Even so, you couldn't ignore the thought of thinking about yourself. You want to leave before you lose all your respect to the people around you. Aside from that you realized that you're not getting any younger. You have dreams to chase. It's just that you don't know how to start. So you're left with no choice but to stay where you're at even if you feel like you're going to be stuck there for the rest of your life, and that's what you don't want to happen. 

You always have this desire to start your own life, to be on your own. To live the kind life that you've always been dreaming of. A life where you can be free to do what you want and not be surrounded with any drama and a lot of nonsense. A life where people around you don't have to walk on eggshells everytime you're around them. You want to stand up for yourself and show them that you can survive on your own. You don't want to just survive anymore, cause you want to start living. But at the back of your mind you're being pulled with the thought that it's wrong. The idea of choosing yourself first suddenly became wrong. Because you believe what other people say that it's better to live for others, that life is more meaningful if you live for others. 

But what's the sense of living if you aren't happy with your life anymore. Is it really selfish to do what you want? Is it wrong to do what you think would make you happy? Should it be okay for you to accept the things that you're not okay with just to prove the people that you love that you love them? 

The truth is, she has nowhere else to go. She is left with no choice but to stay. Either that or she's going to live on the street. So, the best thing that she can do at the moment is to just accept where she is. It's probably where she needs to be right now. She's going to stay even if at times she feels like a 'doormat', and most of the time a 'sponge'. Even if she's already sick and tired of everything. Even if respect isn't being reciprocated anymore. Even if there's no more reason to stay. Despite all that, she still hopes. She know that one day she's going to live the life that she's always been imagining. And everything that she's been going through right now will one day make sense. But for now, she has to learn how to accept where she is and to take it one day at a time. 






au revoir. 😊

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