Pain

Pain is probably the worst thing a person could ever feel. The word itself is hurtful enough. The worst kind of pain would have to be emotional. Pain from a wound is somehow still bearable and can be mend. You know that it will only last for a few days. Then your wound will turn into a scar. Then one day the scar will fade away like nothing happened. But when you are hurt emotionally, you don't know until when it will last. There's no pain killer that can that could stop the pain. There's no bandage that could help stop the bleeding. There's no ointment you could put to easily remove the scar. 

There's no exact formula on how a person should deal with an emotional pain. We all have different ways on how we handle it and how we get over from something that deeply hurt us. At the same time, we have different tolerance when it comes to pain. Some could appear very resilient. It seems like nothing could hurt them. They seem to be tough as steel. On the other hand, there are the sensitive ones. Who with just some small mishaps, they could easily cry. 

The sensitive ones, a.k.a me, have lower tolerance when it comes to pain. I get easily emotional over some mundane things. At times, I wonder if I'm still being normal. I ask myself if it's okay feeling that way. Then I realized that there's no right or wrong way on how you should deal with something that upsets you or hurt you. If you're feeling hurt, it doesn't have to make sense. I mean, you don't have to feel guilty for feeling that way. Your body responds that way. Even though you don't want to feel it, it just occurs naturally. You want to take it lightly, but your body responds the other way. You're angry. You're disappointed. You're sad. You feel frustrated. It's as if you're feeling all the negative emotions that you don't want to feel. And you can't do anything about it, so you just breakdown and cry. 

The worst part is when you can't cry anymore. You can feel it inside you that you're on the verge of crying, but somehow there are no tears coming out. It's like your body telling you that, "It is what it is." That even if you cry a bucketful, it already happened and you can't do anything about it anymore. It also somehow signifies that you've already cried too much that's why there are no more tears left to cry. Your body decided for you that you can't cry anymore cause you've already been through so much. So you don't have an avenue to release your pain, and you just sit on one corner feeling totally miserable. You want the pain to go away. You don't want to get mad anymore. But you just can't take them away just like that. You have to feel it.

Then one day you feel better. You think that you're already healed, but sadly you're not. You still feel sad over the same things again and again. You don't want to get mad anymore. You don't want to feel upset. You think you can handle the same things better this time, but you still can't. Exactly the same things still hurt you and make you cry. You think you're already get used to the pain, but sadly you're not. 

I think that's just how pain goes. You feel it even if you don't want to. It makes you weak. It makes you helpless. It makes you want to feel numb. It makes you feel resentful. It makes you feel like a total mess. It makes you suffer. It makes you vengeful. Sometimes it makes you want to do things that you'll regret doing when the time comes. It makes you question your self-worth. It makes you feel vulnerable. Somehow it makes us irrational. 

The good news is that, pain also makes you feel stronger than you were ever before. It makes you feel more courageous. Somehow it makes you feel like you're a total warrior. After feeling that way, you realize that you don't want to remain in the same place ever. You feel more of a risk taker. You're willing to give it all just so you could get out of the dark place that you're in. You're willing to gamble everything that you have just to get away from that dark place that you no longer want to come back. Suddenly you feel bold enough to remove yourself from the same situation that hurts you. You have the strong urge to get away. You're no longer the same person that cowers down when situation gets out of hand. All of a sudden you feel that you can handle any mishaps that life is going to throw at you. 

For what it's worth, pain makes us a different person. It pushes us to become better and to do better. Pain teaches us how to treat others with respect and kindness. Our invisible scars humble us. 

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au revoir. 😊