2022

In just a few hours, 2022 is about to end. Thanks, God. 

To me, this year hasn't been so easy to deal with. I thought that last year was the most number of times that I cried. Then 2022 came. It's like a deja vu of how my years were back in 2013-2016. Those were the years when I was at my lowest. When waking up every morning felt like it's already going to be a bad day, even though nothing happened yet.

I don't know how many times I cried in the shower, or before going to sleep. Just like last year, I told God before going to sleep that it's okay if He won't wake me up the next morning. Cause I've already had enough. I don't think I have a reason to get up anymore. I've completely lost all my will to live. The only thing that excites me is going to bed. Because by then, I can cry my heart out in the silence of the night. No one would know about it. They didn't have to, anyway.

I've lost respect to some people. I know I shouldn't, but everytime I held myself back from totally loosing all respect, they gave me every reasons to do so. 

This year made me realize how alone I am. That I can't depend on anyone. But despite people making me feel abandoned, I know I have the best confidante in the world. His name is Lord Jesus Christ. I know that no matter how worthless and useless people tend to make me feel, He wouldn't see me that way. Because He died for me, for us, and that is enough reason not to make us feel inadequate. And no matter what others think of us, in the end He is the only person we need to please. I realized I shouldn't seek validation from other people. They will never give it to me no matter how much I try. And that's okay. 

I can say that at some point 2022 motivated me to pursue my dreams again. It made me dream new dreams. With everything that happened around me, it made me think that I don't want to live this kind of life forever. It made me want to prioritize myself in the years to come. I have to put myself first and keep my mental health a priority. I don't know what might happen with all of my bottled up emotions. I mean, I might die early due to a heart attack. And before things start to worsen, I have to stop something. I have to stop overthinking, which is easier said than done. But as much as possible, I need to stop myself from getting mad. I have to stop letting people get the best of me. 

If 2022 were a song, it would be 'Rude' by Magic. And the perfect lines that describe it would be, 'Why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm human too?'

I hope that 2023 will be different from the past years—especially in the last 3 years—in the best way possible. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm really hoping for the best. I've already been through a lot of tough times, and I think I deserve a breakthrough. I hope that 2023 is going to be the start of my dreams turning into reality. I hope to have more laughs than cry. To have more tears of joy than tears of sadness. I want to be hopeful and optimistic in the coming year/s. I know that with God's mercy, anything is possible. 

So 2023, it's your time to shine. Please give me the will to live.

love,

ren