Sat With Ree: Forgiveness

How long does it take for you before you can totally forgive someone who hurt you? Are you the type of person who easily forgives then forget? Or are you the type who can't forget easily what someone did to you that's why it will take a long time before you can totally forgive them?

There are certain reasons why people find it hard to forgive someone. First, because the wound is too deep. Second, because they can't find it in their heart to forgive someone no matter how much they want to. Third, because they still haven't got their revenge. (I hope not.) Fourth, simply because they don't want to. 

There's this show that I watch regularly. They have a game, of course there's a contestant and there are five choices. It's not the typical multiple choice because the choices are also people of different category, it can be professionals, ordinary people, singers, actors, or anyone. There will be a question. For example the question is, who among them are chefs for more than 5 years? Then the contestant is going to pick two choices who she thinks are the correct answers. Then the hosts are going to have interview with the choices one by one to see if the contestant's picks were right and to ask some topic-related questions. One time their guests are those whose family member had been murdered. The host asked some of the choices if they have already forgiven the person/s who murdered their loved ones. One of the choices said that you can't decide when are you going to forgive someone, you just feel it one day that there is no more hatred or bitterness towards the person. Then they moved to one of the choices, and asked the same question in which he answered with "not yet." Then the host asked a follow-up question of when does he think is he going to forgive them, and then he answered with, "I don't think I can. I'm sorry." I can feel the pain in his answer. I think he's still hurting even though it's already been decades since the murder. I can't blame him for feeling that way because it's totally understandable. I appreciate his honesty because that's the reality of life.

Those two answers stood out for me because they both provided very interesting answers. The first answer is totally relatable because you can't really tell when you are going to forgive someone who hurt you. You can't say how soon or how late are you going to forgive them. You will just feel it in your heart one day that surprisingly, you're not mad anymore and you already accepted what they did because the damage has already been done and you can't do anything about it. The second answer is totally understandable because what they did to his son is totally unacceptable. It's already devastating to lose a loved one, what more to lose them over a heinous crime. It doesn't matter how long ago the incident happened. As long as the wound is still there, it's really hard to forgive. Forcing yourself to forgive someone is like riding a hamster wheel, it feels like you're moving forward and already reached so far only to realize that you are just landing on the same spot over and over again. Everytime you see the person who hurt you the pain keeps coming back, and that's what you don't want to happen. It's better to take your time and let the wound heal completely. 

There are times when deep within our heart we know that we already forgive someone, but our mind is still in denial. Maybe because we think that the person doesn't deserve our forgiveness, or maybe because we still want them to try harder to earn our forgiveness. People can't decide for us especially when it comes to forgiving someone. You can't fully understand a person's pain if you haven't been in their shoes, so don't try to manipulate them into thinking that they're just being dramatic or overreacting because they can't forgive. It's the worst thing that you can do to a person who's hurting. 

Forgiving someone who has caused you pain is one thing, but forgetting what they did is totally a different story. But at the end of the day, as much as possible—I know this is easier said than done— learn to forgive someone who has wronged you. Just be willing to open your heart to the possibility of forgiveness. You don't have to force yourself if you really can't, but you should not also let your heart be hardened because of what someone did to you. Instead use it as an inspiration to do better with your life. When you forgive someone it doesn't mean that you will need to associate yourself with them. You're not going to forgive them for them, you're doing it for yourself. For your peace of mind, and for you to move forward with your life without carrying any excess baggage. 

Sometimes forgiving someone even without hearing an apology is the bravest thing that you can do. It will take all your might to do it, but it's totally one of the best things that you can do for yourself.  

Ciao.😊