Sat With Ren: Feeling Blue

I've been feeling this for quite a while now, the desire to leave. I just realized how bad Monday and birthday blues combined. Or this is probably because I didn't have enough sleep. 

Anyway, when I was a kid and my mother scold me for something I did, or when she didn't give me permission to do the things that I wanted to, I always thought of leaving the house and not come back anymore. But of course, as a kid I was obviously powerless to do it. Now that I'm an adult I still have the desire to do so. Compared to when I was a kid, I can do it now if I wanted to. Even so, I know that I won't no matter how much I want to. I know that once I did it there are lots of repercussions that I need to face when the time comes, and I don't think I'm ready for it. So the best thing that I can do is to stay, for now. 

I wanted to escape badly. I am not happy with how my life is going lately. Being an overthinker is so exhausting. Others might think that I live an easy life. I have a roof over my head, I have a comfortable bed to sleep, I eat 3-5 times a day and I can sleep and wake up whenever I want to. I should feel privileged, right? It's just that I am still longing for more. I crave for liberty and sense of belongingness. 

All throughout my life, people make decisions for me. (At least now that I'm an adult I get to pick the clothes that I want to wear.) I don't think I have enough freedom to do what I want, eat what I want, say what I want. I think part of that is because I am the youngest child and my siblings are way older than me. So they get to decide more, and I am the "Yeah,okay." even if it's not really okay for me. I don't feel like I have a voice, so I have a lot of bottled up emotions. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. That's how I was programmed. It's easy to say that I should be more open, but I beg to differ. You should first try being in shoes before you say so. Everytime I do that people remind me that I can't. They are still stuck with the past version of me that I no longer live, and I don't think they can recover from it. 

I feel like I am in a hamster wheel. Everyday feels the same. At times I feel like I've already gone further only to realize that I am still landing in the same place over and over again. I feel like going back to the same old pattern of mine. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for something that I don't know if it will happen. It's hard to stay optimistic when it seems like nothing is going right in my life anymore. One day I'm totally fine, and the next I am again confronted with the things that I thought I've already moved on from. 

I know all of these that I'm going through right now is going to make sense one day. But for now, the least that I can do is to hope for a better tomorrow. I know this is all just temporary. Life is not perfect and we have to suffer at least once in our life for us to appreciate the good days. We have to experience some rain for us to appreciate the sunshine. We have to go through pain for us to fully appreciate joy. We have to undergone through some challenges that will make us more resilient for us to appreciate life. Isn't it more rewarding and fulfilling when the time comes that we realized we survived the things we thought we couldn't. We should be proud of ourselves for making it through the difficult days. 

Bad days are there to teach us the greatest lessons that we couldn't learn during happy times. Bad days are proof of how resilient we are.




au revoir. 😊

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